keagans_mommy

So I have updated this in a long time, so I thought I'd add some stuff in.
1. I'm looking for a new job. I really can't survive at 7-11 anymore. The pay is just not enough to support keagan and I while trying to save to get out on my own, go back to school and get a car!It's just not possible!
2. I am dating an amazing guy, taking things slow...cause you know me and taking them fast it just never works out!
3. Keagan turns 3 on the 30th. Can you belive it? I set him up in daycare and he starts tomorrow, which will give me more time to myself and to find a good job.
Andy still comes around and pulls the same ol stunt with me. Which I've almost fell for a couple of times but I'm really happy with this relationship I'm in now. I don't get to see him that often because of our work schedules but with me working only on the weekdays, if I get what I want when I get a new job, than maybe that will change. Anywho, I'm just doing a quick update, I'm off again for now, got some more running around to do!

I'm so confused and upset right now. How the fuck could she die? What right did she have to leave us all here in pain? She was only 21!! What the fuck is with that? She didn't deserve this, she had so much more life ahead of her! I don't understand, I don't want to understand! I don't even know what to say anymore! Right now is when I want andy the most, I want to fall in his arms and cry. I want him to make everything better Make the pain just go away, make me not hurt so much inside. Im missin her already and I never even saw her that much maybe once or twice a week we'd chat it up laugh about our stupid friends wonder when they'll all grow up. I miss that, I miss her coming into my work. they made a mistake..it's not miranda, she was always happy and seeing the best in everything, always up for anything,so no, it's not her they made a mistake..oh god why can't they take it back? SOMEONE TAKE IT BACK!! MAKE EVERYTHING OK AGAIN!!

So here I am again. This is just what I needed to say. I'm over..well not over just not dealing with andy's crap anymore. I'm sick of being treated like shit and I don't matter, so I'm done. I deserve to be treated better, like I matter and I'm important. So that's that.
Someone stole someone elses mp3 player at work..when I was asked if I had seen it I said no, because I hadn't. But really I don't even know what one looks like. I've only seen Ipods and that's cause april had one. Didn't want to sound stupid though. But yes and that's that part.
Got hit on three times today. It made me feel great! Within those three times, one of the guys asked me out..I said no..and the other one asked for my number so he could take me out to dinner.. suddenly feeling a lot better about myself. Who the hell needs andy? My next thing to do is to tell andy I'm done with this little game he's playing. totally and fully done with it. It's gonna hurt for a bit to see him with other people, but that'll pass. hmm..so yes..that is me for now..I've said my peice.

I'm scared to love you,
but more afraid to lose you.
Do you remember when we were happy?
When you used to take me in your arms,
just to hold me.
When the sight of me,
put a smile on your face.
The hurt is still there,
reminding me of what happened.
But my feelings,
are forcing me to forgive.
My trust is something you must gain,
but my heart has always been yours.
Though you still play your games,
and I sit reeping no rewards.
We had so much at one point,
but you threw it away.
We could have had our own family,
but cheating sounded better.
I don't know why I'm still standing here,
letting you hurt me again.
Why I still cry over you.
Why I get so mad over plans broken.
But I do and I am.
I can't say when my breaking point will be,
I hope it's soon,
my pride can't take much more.
--------------------------------------------------------
Do actions speak loader than words?
If so I'm not sure where we stand.
Are the eyes the gateway to the soul?
If so , I'm all yours.
I'm sick of the warnings,
of the questions why.
I don't understand myself,
and that scares me the most.
Don't know if I should trust you again,
I question everything.
They say you'll never be with just me,
that I'm too good for this.
They tell me to move on,
find someone that wants the same as I.
Should I sit and wait for you to be ready,
or will we always just "be working on things"?
Is it that you don't want to be with me,
but you don't want me happy with anyone else.
Theres nothing I want more than to be with you
but it feels like a pointless battle.
I do deserve better than this,
I deserve to be treated better
Treated like I mean something
instead of a piece of ass
My expectations are high,
and I always feel like I should have learned from the first time
Like things would actually change
they've fallen into the same routine
I thought I meant more to you than that
But the bubbles are beginning to burst
and I can't help but to think that I'm one of the few girls on the go
You say the things you know I want to hear
To get what you want?
Or are they how you feel
I'm in a fog and nothing seems to be geting any clearer
You promised you'd talk more
but that's still like pulling teeth
I need to be proven that your intentions are true
and that this just isn't some game.

A photo from my drunken night out on sat..lol..thought you might like this april

So andy and I are "working on things". We had a big talk the other night. After he came and picked me up from some guys house who I was dead serious about taking home.Than I got there and freaked out because I didn't know anyone other than this guy I had just met and my other ex tim. And out of nowhere andy texts me calling me a dumbass. Which pissed me off so finally I asked him to come and get me. Which is weird because we weren't talking before this because we had gotten into a huge fight on wed/thursday and he said he never wanted to talk to me again. So finally he becomes man enough to say what he feels. So him and I went down stairs to talk. He said he still loved me and the reason why he backed off and was such an ass was because after getting out of a marriage he never wanted that again and was taken back by how serious we got and how fast it all happened. And he went on to say that he never thought he could be happy like that again till he met me and when he figured out how strong his feelings were for me it scared him. So drunk me (and when I say drunk, I mean wasted!) starts yelling, well not yelling just getting my point across real loud and he turns to me, well at this point I'm sitting on top of him because we were play fighting at one point. So he turns to me and goes, fine let's start all over from fresh "Hi, my names andy and I am madly in love with you". So now I can't even move on without him getting jealous and coming back into my life. So we've decided to work on things again, for the second time. He also started going on about how he just wanted to be with me without everyone else in our business, so I bluntly told him that we had that and if he hadn't have pulled the stunt he did nobody would be in our business because they wouldn't have a reason to worry about me getting hurt. He looked quite hurt when I said that. He also looked hurt after I told him I was going home with a hot fireman. But of course I end up in andy's bed at the end of the night. But waking up in his arms again, god how nice that felt to feel that again. But anyways it's late so I'm going to bed, work all weekend so yeah..blah..oh wells.

So I ended up going to the AfterLife Club with Blair, Andy, Steve, Melissa and Courtenay on new years. For the first twenty min. all andy said was that he was so happy that I came out. Which was weird, and that was the beginning of the night. Than we were all over each other, dancin and having fun and he tells me we have to talk later. So I ask him why and he tells me that he messed up and he wants to work everything out and maybe see where things can go from there. Than he tells me he loves me. Now Becca is sitting here telling me all kinds of shit and I don't know what to believe, I'm so hurt still and I can't really trust him. And things need to be worked out between us, and I don't really like the idea that he could be seeing someone else at the same time right now. I'll talk to him more tomorrow. I'm so confused and I still love him, and I dunno. It was nice to be in his arms again though..even if it was just for new years!

Ok, so things between Brett and I are going really well. Getting to know eachother. I really like spending time with him, and the christmas party was fun, the best was that I got to spend time with him, than we went to the bar when we got back into town, danced up a storm and just had fun together, it was really nice to be out with him and blair and melissa. Although Andy has told blair that he's upset about it (Brett and I that is, he doesn't want us together than said that brett and I were going to do what we were going to do and that he just didn't want to see it.). Oh well he's so upset that andy and becca were making out hardcore at the bar the other night, and i had to explain to a friend of mine that we weren't together and he's free to do whatever he wants, but when I told bliar what I was told, his mood changed and when I was sitting outside with brett, blair phoned the house to talk to andy. So now it seems like I'm starting stuff, which I'm so not. I just thought blair would like to know that Andy lied to him. But that's just great, that now it looks like I'm starting stuff, but so many other people were at that bar and I'd rather bliar hear it from me than one of his drinking buddies. But this is just damn great! Anywho, christmas is coming and I can't wait for keagan to open his gifts! Should be a good day than I'm working with melissa, which should be fun cause we never get to work together, and when we do it's her in the back room doing crap paper work! But she get's to hear me blab about all this crap that's going on all night (u poor thing!) But that's about it in my life. Nothing else is new

So went out to Tj's with Brett and Blair last night. Andy showed up..poor boy all by himself. Than tim shows up and then some girls that I've met threw tim and blair. Found out that I was dating some guy but I dumped him a week ago, but we were dating for awhile. It's funny that I had no idea who this guy even was until they used his nickname and I was even more confused because I only know him threw friends and threw him coming in all the time at my work. Never actually talked to him other than "Is there anything else tonight?" so how I was dating him I don't know. Brett and I started talking about my mom's work christmas party and he turned around all shy and cute like and goes "On the sheet at work I put down that I had a date, but I mean if there was anyone that wanted to come with me that would be nice, but I think I'm going alone" I felt like just kissing him right there with everyone there for being so cute about it. So yes melissa this is why I need to switch my shift. Than the guy kisses me again when he dropped me off at home, asking me before hand if I only kissed him because I was mad at andy. I said no, and that I'm really not the type of person to do that. That's just mean! So we had a little make out time before I came in the house, then today I went outside to have a smoke and he was out there working out, and he came over after to hang out with me and my sick little guy. Gave me a kiss again when he left, but we were outside, and I don't know where I want this to go. It almost seems like if anything was going to happen we should keep it between us before we come out and tell everyone. Just to make sure it's not just a fling. Plus I'm not ready to get back into a relationship, to scared to hurt people right now. I dunno, think I should talk to him about this, though flordia just got a whole lot more interesting, with my mom watching keagan and brett coming with us, and none of the other people that know anything about andy and I. So we could act like a couple, and not care. I dunno. I'm so confused right now! HELP! I feel like such a slut, but it's not like I'm going after him, it's him after me. I do think we need to sit and talk though, find out what would be best, but no matter what, I'm not jumping into anything. Oh well, my life never seems to get normal. But brett and I have a lot more in common. Both have kids, both boys, both put our kids first. Have the same thoughts on a lot of stuff, but totally not who or what I expected to come into my life. But what can I expect when brett and I have gotten to know eachother so much more than anyone really knew, we sit and talk about stupid stuff, important stuff, and everything else inbetween. Good God what I have I gotten myself into.

Ok so I went out on Saturday night, not expecting andy to be there with his new girl. Took me off gaurd a little. Cried a little to brett, andy's brother, and I felt so bad about it cause it was his birthday, but for crying to him I got on the bar and did a little dance for and with him. It was fun! Maybe a little too much fun cause when we get back to the house (excluding andy because he went off with his new girl) and everyone else went to bed, I ended up cuddled up in bretts arms, and my head on his chest, while he played with my hair and kept kissing me on the forehead. Don't worry it gets better! Now I only thought he was doing this because I was really upset and brett and I have become somewhat close threw this whole andy thing. I've gotten to know him better than the one I was dating because brett and I used to sit outside and talk, and both play with keagan. Okay on with the story! I'm about to fall asleep on brett's chest when I sit up and say I've got to go home it was like 4am! And the guy leans in to kiss me, now at this time I am somewhat sober, I can't say totally sober because that would be a lie, and I didn't push him back. And it's get even better when I kissed him back (God he knows how to kiss so much better than andy!) Than he sits there and says that he has wanted to do that since he first met me, when I was dating his brother because that's the first time I met him. When andy and I had been together for a month or so and everything was good between us. So yeah, I'm leaving everything as is, and what I mean by that is what happened, happened and nothing more can or will happen. But last night when blair and i were talking about flordia, brett said he would pay his own way. Which was funny cause the conversation started when brett was inside and I told blair that we had to bring a guy for me, and a built in babysitter (our friends daughter that wants to come with us). so then brett sits there and wants to "so badly" come with us. Now brett is working out like crazy in the garage, yes they finally moved that workout bench out of my garage! I finally have room, now to get rid of that couch. Okay so that was my weekend, why can't I just have a normal time whenever I go out? But I needed this time out, and melissa I told brett everything, like what he could have been if, well you know, and he said he already knew, but if andy didnt tell him then blair most of told him, because he asked me if he could. But that's okay, on the way home I let all the guys in the truck know what andy threw away! But while I did it brett was holding my hand while some chick was trying to hit on him bad (I can't just say some chick, she's my friend who I brought out there!) So kev gets out to have a pee and he jumps into the back with me. Then when we get home in front of everyone even before they went to bed, we were cuddling on the couch! LOL. Why do I feel like such a tramp? I'm not doing anything wrong, it's not like I'm andy and cheated even though he told me that he was only friends with the girl he kissed and he was just giving her a kiss good bye. Tough time believing that since that's now the girl he's with. So I asked him if when we were together I could have kissed anyone I wanted to, and he told me it wouldn't have bothered him (this is on sunday, after all the stuff with his brother). So I'm not quite sure if andy knows we kissed, I don't think anyone wants to tell him, only because according to everyone "he still cares for me". HA..I laugh in his face! Anywho..that's my story of another weird and wacky weekend.

So I get this text message yesterday from andy saying he was extremly sorry about the way things ended. How about be a man and tell me to my face. And I thought I was over him until last night when he walked up to his house and my heart started beating like it when we first started dating. Which sucks and now andy has told blair that him and becca have been hanging out a lot..but just as friends..bullshit! Now she's on msn trying to tell me but she wont. I thought I was okay, but I guess I'm not. This sucks..but he's coming over to give me money he owes me today and to discuss a few things. God I hope I don't cry...just like I am right now. And if becca and him do date..why am I so upset, the jackass cheated on me. Guess cause I finally thought I'd found a family for keagan. One better than the one I had, I loved him and he hurt me good! This is the first time I've cried since I saw him with that girl, maybe it's because we're talking now. Going out on saturday because it's brett's birthday. Of course andy and becca will be there one because it's andy's brother. I'd go somewhere else for the night but I promised blair I would go (since it will be at the bar he's working at now) and I promised brett. This sucks major ass!
Keagan's sick again and is sleeping on the couch, gonna go and get some stuff done before he wakes up